


painting dreams, erasing nightmares

by bloodysteel



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Forgiveness, Future Fic, Grieving, Mending their wounds together, Post Season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22380196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodysteel/pseuds/bloodysteel
Summary: Wars are over and it's time for Bellamy and Clarke to mend their wounds.Written for Bellarke January Joy
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Minor Raven Reyes/John Murphy - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 76





	painting dreams, erasing nightmares

The nightmares started the night following Octavia’s funeral. Clarke woke up screaming and Madi rushed to her bedside fearing the worst – only to discover her mother weren’t in danger. From that night, the nightmares never stopped. Her mother. Her father. Octavia. Finn. Lexa. Josephine. Monty. Harper. Lincoln. Wells. They were all there, one by one. Dying at her, killing her, torturing one another. The nightmares didn’t stop and Madi moved to Gaia’s tent to sleep after a week.

She usually felt back asleep after slowing her heartbeat, but this time she couldn’t. _Bellamy_ had visited her this time. Actually, it wasn’t just Bellamy. It was all the Bellamy from her past and present; the one she met on the dropship; the smug boy who confronted her at every chance; her co-leader; her friend; her best-friend; her savior; her-

She couldn’t. She met them all and they all died before her, before she could move or protect them. They died screaming her name, begging her to save them and to stop what was happening to them, _because it was all her fault and no one else’s_.

She kept tossing and turning in her bed staring at the wooden roof of her newly made cabin. She built it with the help of others just as she helped them build theirs. They decided to leave Sanctum and create their own compound, even though they trade with them and share their knowledge. Some of them decided to stay with Sanctum, though. Jordan chose to stay, he never truly recovered from Delilah’s and so Priya’s death and decided to stay with her mother.

Sighing, Clarke stood up in her bed and decided to go for fresh air. Their little village was built similarly to Shallow Valley’s village – Clarke, Madi and the Eligius crew pledged for it and since none of them had notions of urbanism or architecture, it was settled.

Clarke walked around the little houses guiding herself to the light of the moon. She liked the chill of the fresh night air on her skin, the little sting made her feel more alive than anything else. Pain was all that was left to make her feel alive anymore. She mindlessly wandered around the village and ended up next to the fire, noticing someone sitting next to it with their back to her.

She walked on a branch and Murphy noticed her, smirking. “My fellow cockroach! Couldn’t sleep?”

She shook her head, smiling a bit, and went to sit on the wooden bench next to him. Close enough so they didn’t have to talk too loudly, but far enough so they wouldn’t touch. They still had wounds to mend and even though Murphy had apologized, and Clarke didn’t want to hold a grudge, she was still weary of the man before her.

The fire was burning vividly before them; Murphy must have taken care of it, Clarke thought. “Do you spend all your nights here?”

The smile that had formed on his lips when he saw Clarke died and he looked down at the flames. “Can’t sleep without her.”

She nodded. They all had ghosts haunting them. “I’m sorry, Murphy.” Emori died three months ago when they were looking for Octavia in the anomaly. She died because she decided to go her way in a weird dimension created by this anomaly whereas the others hopelessly followed Hope. Everyone told her to follow the group but her instincts told her otherwise. Murphy eventually trailed after her but he was too late – and she was right following her instincts except they didn’t protect her enough.

“Not your fault. I should have stood by her, trusted her instincts. Made you all follow her in that goddamn forest. Every night I fail to save her in my dreams, she dies in my arms over and over again. And every night I wake up and she’s not there and I miss her so goddamn much.” He was fidgeting with a raw piece of wood, squeezing it until his knuckles were white as if to make his hand bleed, then switching it from hand to hand and doing the same with his other hand. Pain was all he had left to feel alive. She couldn’t relate more.

“I see them every night in my dreams, too. My parents, Lexa, Finn, Emori. They keep me awake. They keep reminding of everything that I’ve done, everyone who’s dead because of what I did.” Clarke was staring at the flames dancing before her eyes taking shapes of those they lost, of those they will lose one way or another. No one can live forever and she knew that better than anyone. She shared that knowledge with Murphy.

“Scared to sleep?” She nodded.

“Mind of I come here from times to times?”

He slid a bit on the bench to nudge her with his shoulder. “Nah. _Mis fantasmas son tus fantasmas_.” He smiled, and she smiled back. Maybe they’ll get better one day.

\--

Murphy and Clarke fell into a rut; he usually woke up before her but on the times she didn’t manage to fall asleep she arrived before him to bring the fire back to life. On the third night, he brought moonshine and they got so drunk they passed out, each one on their bench. Echo woke them up when she rose at dawn. She shot them a weird look but none of them were in state to answer to her silent question.

Life became easier, if not more bearable, in the village. Clarke didn’t want to lead, but until they were ready to form a real democracy, they kept their little gang of remaining delinquents as leaders. Indra was among them too, alongside Gaia and Niylah. They had daily meetings to take important decisions, but Clarke barely spoke. Neither did Bellamy. The ghosts were too new to be ignored, their smell lingering in the air, their presence heavy behind them. But decisions needed to be made so others could live and find peace. Clarke didn’t know if she deserved nor could handle peace.

On the tenth night, Clarke couldn’t sleep. She wanted to, she was too tired for words. The bags under her eyes were a deep purple and even though none of her friends would mention it, they were worried about her. When she didn’t hear a noise anymore outside of her house, she put on a wool jacket and decided to go out. The fire had almost died out when she arrived and it took her more effort than usual to bring it back to life. She cursed the last one to go to bed for not taking care of the fire – and prayed that Murphy would always be there before her so she didn’t have to do it again.

When she heard him approach, she settled her knees under her chin as she was balling herself on the bench. The night was cold. “Next time I’ll wait for you to take care of the fire, I had too much of a hard time tonight.”

He huffed. “How long have you been doing this?” Bellamy asked.

Clarke turned around suddenly and reddened. He couldn’t see her face because of the dark. They hadn’t spoken directly to one another since they found Octavia’s body. She found her in a cave, disentangled, white, dead for a few days and starting to rot. She tried to stop him from seeing it, she put all her strength in it because he shouldn’t have had to see his sister in that state. But he pushed her with all the rage he had in himself and she went rolling on the rocks. He blamed her, she thought. It was all for the better, if he blamed her at least he didn’t blame himself.

“A little more than a week.” She balled up even more, shrinking herself to the minimum to shield her body from the cold. Bellamy on the bench next to hers. He still kept his distance.

“Nightmares?” She nodded. “Me too.” He sighed and she let him take his time to speak. “I keep reliving that day. I see her and then, sometimes, it’s not Octavia who’s dead in a cave.” He stared at her and it reminded her of other times, sometimes simpler in some ways, when they talked alone by a fire. “It’s you who’s dead because I pushed you and you hit your head. You bleed to death. Because of me.” She frowned but didn’t make a move.

“I’m ok, Bellamy. It’s ok, I understand what I happened there.”

“Well, well, look who joined our little happy club!” Murphy sing-sang. He let himself fall on a third bench. He wouldn’t sit next to Clarke, she noticed, maybe because Bellamy was there with them now too. “Nightmares I guess?” Bellamy pursed his lips and Murphy shut up. Bellamy reached out for the flames, his hand barely brushing them, but he didn’t move away. Pain was all that kept him alive.

The three of them fell into an easy silence, the fire cracking the only noise keeping them awake. They were three sitting there, but their ghosts took all the empty spots around them.

\--

Clarke felt less tensed around Bellamy after that night and she felt a weight lift off her shoulders. Their relationship would never get back to what it used to be – before ALIE, before Praimfaya, before the pits, before the Primes.

Bellamy joined them again on the following night and Murphy welcomed him in his own way. “Well, and here I thought we could call ourselves the Cockroaches club. You messed that up, Bellamy.” For the first time since they found Octavia, Bellamy smiled and the ice surrounding Clarke’s heart cracked.

“I brought moonshine.”

“Moonshine club it is! Welcome Bellamy, a friend with booze is a friend indeed.” Murphy smiled too, and Clarke felt her lips moved on their own account.

Maybe pain wasn’t all they had left to feel alive.

\--

One morning the three of them woke up with blankets on them. They never knew who brought them, but they were sure it wasn’t Echo who shook Bellamy awake when the Sun was barely rising, hoarding him to go back to bed with her. He rose and trailed after her groaning.

Clarke curled herself into the blanket and felt back asleep.

\--

On the day Indra was elected leader of their people, they decided to throw a real party, their very own unity day, and no one wanted to go to bed. So Clarke, Murphy and Bellamy couldn’t get the fireplace to themselves – much to their dismay.

They sat together crammed up on a single bench when they usually had one for each of them. Clarke was warm, locked between Murphy and Bellamy, and they stared at their people living again. Madi was making friends and living her life as a teenager. Jackson and Miller were kissing on another bench, too drunk to care for anyone else. Echo and Raven were talking on the side, smiling from time to time. It was nice to see their people cheering around them.

Murphy eventually rose – “I’m going to sleep.”

Clarke laughed and he frowned. “We don’t usually sleep until the middle and now the others stay awake until the middle of the night, that’s the night you choose to go to bed.” Murphy smirked and the ghost following him faded a little bit. He walked away to his cabin and Clarke could almost see Emori smile fondly at him, leaving him walk a few steps away from her.

“He’s going to be ok.” She said barely loud enough for Bellamy to hear through the music blasting and the talks surrounding them.

“And so are you, Clarke.” Bellamy grabbed her hand and squeezed it. It felt so tiny in his big warm hands, so white compared to his dark skin, so much unlike one another and yet it felt so right.

“Someday, I will be. And so will you, too.” Octavia was smiling behind Bellamy, and when Clarke looked back at Bellamy’s face, he was staring at a point behind her. She thought maybe her own ghosts were smiling too and maybe, tonight, she could sleep without waking up screaming. She felt tired but she didn’t want to go to bed. She didn’t want to stay with all of them either; she was happy that their friends were finding peace, but she wasn’t ready for her own peace to come.

She rose to her feet, her hand still in Bellamy’s. He looked up at her and frowned softly. He had aged since they met but it felt like they had lived a thousand lives and more. “I want to see the stars and there’s too much light around here.”

Bellamy smiled. “It’s too dangerous out there for a princess to walk the woods alone.” She huffed and rolled her eyes. She moved to get her hand back but he squeezed to keep it in his. “C’mon, let’s go.” He stood up and without letting her hand go, they walked toward the woods, away from the fire, the village et farther away from Sanctum.

They walked in silence for a few minutes until the sound of the party faded. “I’m sorry, Bellamy.”

He stopped mid-step and Clarke almost stumbled as he was still holding her hand. “What for?”

“Everything. Octavia. Leaving you after Mount Weather. Not coming back with you in Polis. Leaving you in the fighting pits. My mother being in the council that floated yours. Closing the dropship door when you were still outside. Not trusting you at first sight.” Her lips curved upwards on that last sentence. Bellamy nodded and let go of her hand.

“And I forgave you, Clarke. Like I forgive you again, like I will always forgive you. You’re too important to me, too, even though I never got to say it loud enough for you to hear.” And with those words he put his arms around her, surrounding her in his embrace, his smell, his warmth and suddenly, Clarke felt back home.

\--

Raven was the last addition to their group. It took her a month to join them, because she had become acquainted to her nightmares, like they were old friends. They started when Murphy shot her, carried on with Finn’s death, got worse because of Mount Weather, and settled in forever when she saw Shaw’s name on a cross planted in the fresh plowed ground. She was scared to let them go.

Murphy was the one to notice her and force her to sit with them. She thought they were asleep and was bringing blankets to make sure they weren’t freezing. “C’m’here, Rae. I saw you.” Clarke’s head was doodling with sleep tucked in Bellamy’s side.

Raven eyed them warily and Murphy washed her concerns with his hand. She put a blanket on them and handed another to Murphy. He smiled and grabbed her wrist, pulling her down to sit with him. “Welcome to the ghost lovers club. I’m the Whoopi Goldberg to their Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze.” She elbowed him. “That hurts. Good nightmare tonight?”

“Same old.” She unfolded a blanket and put it on them. She settled her head on his shoulder without asking for his consent but hey, he did force to sit down with him. That night, they all slept until the entire village woke.

\--

One night, Bellamy didn’t show up. Clarke balled up on her bench all tucked in a blanket Raven brought with her whereas she was sitting on the bench across from her with Murphy. She couldn’t sleep that night.

\--

Bellamy found Clarke staring sleepily at the dying fire before her as Raven was snoring on Murphy’s shoulder. He sat down next to her but she didn’t move. “I’m sorry.”

She didn’t budge, sleep was overcoming her. The ghosts were back, talking, screaming, begging, crying. They were filling her head again and she was so scared to fall asleep because one day, her heart might burst out of her chest out of the fear taking over her body during her nightmares.

Her put an arm around her shoulder and she let him pull her against his chest. “I broke up with Echo last night. She couldn’t handle the nightmares, couldn’t handle me anymore.”

She nodded softly humming his scent, burying her nose in his shirt. She felt sleep taking over her body. “You.. Kay?” she muttered through her sleep.

Bellamy smiled and kissed the top of her hair. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay.” Her breathes evened and Bellamy rose, making sure not to wake Clarke up. Then, he bent and took her in his arms – Princess style, he thought and it made him smile widely.

Slowly, he carried her to her cabin, opened the unlocked door with all the care of the world to make sure she wouldn’t wake up. He had never been in her cabin before; it was neat, except for the little table she used to paint and draw which was a complete mess of paper, paint and pencils. It was colourful on some parts, dark and grim on other drawings. The whole cabin smelled like Clarke – earth, vanilla and paint.

Bellamy put Clarke down on her bed, took her shoes off and put her blanket over her. Before walking out, he heard a rustle and when he turned, Clarke was staring at him, holding out a hand.

“Stay.”

His hesitation lasted a few seconds, before he took his own shoes off and climbed under the blankets where Clarke made room for him.

That was the last night any of them spent by the fire. That was also the last night they spent without the other.

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, I'm really not proud of what I wrote. Work's been crazy and I still wanted to post something since I sooo wanted to participate! I hope you liked it.
> 
> Come see me on tumblr, I'm bloodysteel there too :)
> 
> MJ <3


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